• The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the airlines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".
• Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...... Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
• Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...... Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you’re just sitting there looking at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
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