Friday, September 19, 2008

More Funny Pages #2


Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern
by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: What grows down at the same time it is growing up?
A: A goose silly, or a silly goose.

Q: What has holes but still holds water?
A: A sponge.

Q: What flies, chirps and sings religious songs?
A: A hymningbird.

Q: Why did the blue jay get a perm?
A: Because the curly bird catches the worm.

• The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the airlines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".

• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.

• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.

• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.

• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."

• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe with no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.

• Long, long ago, there lived a French count that was captured and convicted of high treason. The authorities knew he had accomplices, but the count would not talk. After much frustration, they decided to torture him.
He was tortured for weeks, but he maintained to the end that he would not betray his friends or his principles. Eventually, they realized that he would not be broken and sentenced him to death.
He was taken to the guillotine, but just as the blade was about to fall he cried out "Stop, I will tell you everything." But it was too late, the blade fell and the count was dead.
The moral of this story: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.


Contemplations:
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?


Bad Rabbit Habit
A rabbit, one day, managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good, and he returned a while later completely full. "It’s fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette."

• Seems a challenged house-husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he called his wife at work. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" His wife replied: "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" To which the no-clue hubby answered back: "Indiana University!"
• Well-to-do parents have this kid that they send away to school in the winter, to camp in the summer and on holidays to visit his grandma. "Let’s face it" he told them one day, "you aren’t my parents—you’re my travel agents."
• The 535 members of Congress employ 30,000 aides and assistants—or more than 54 per member—with each congressional staff costing taxpayers $5 million annually. In FDR’s time, the typical House member had three employees.
This is the same reason you need 54 accountants to figure out your taxes each year. If we are going to computerized polling why not get rid of these reps and vote on everything that comes down the pike. I bet we could save a bundle.

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