Punny Things Can HappenA pun is the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit;
One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that sounds the same.
Perhaps some letter may be changed
Or others slightly disarranged,
This to the meaning gives a twist,
Which much delights the humorist.
A sample now may help to show
The way a good pun ought to go:
"It isn’t the cough, that carries you off,
It’s the coffin they carry you off in."
CLUELESS IN WASHINGTON
These are from a Washington, D.C. travel agent with 30 years experienceworking with our congressmen and women. It will definitely give you pauseto wonder how anything constructive ever gets accomplished if you didn’t already wonder!
• I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that herhair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport informationthen she interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid,but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... (click).
• Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
• I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with it, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on herluggage.
• A Senator’s Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
• A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Stuff You Should Wonder About
• The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. For example: Why do we drink "cow" milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!"?" —Bill Watterson ‘Calvin & Hobbes’
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
—Steven Wright
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? —George Carlin
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Marriage Daffynitions
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. —Anonymous
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. —Anonymous
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
—Anonymous
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent. —Anonymous
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. —Jim Backus
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
• A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
You’re Kiddin’, Right?
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. —Pearl Williams
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
—George Gobel
• A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
—Everett Dirksen
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
Management Material
A college senior was hired as an intern, and his first task was to go out and fetch coffee for the office staffers.
Eager to do well on his first day, he grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take the order.
The intern asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the intern sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular , two black, and two decaf."
What a Phone-y!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and added giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines."
Plane Stupid
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
These are from a Washington, D.C. travel agent with 30 years experienceworking with our congressmen and women. It will definitely give you pauseto wonder how anything constructive ever gets accomplished if you didn’t already wonder!
• I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that herhair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport informationthen she interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid,but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... (click).
• Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
• I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with it, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on herluggage.
• A Senator’s Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
• A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Stuff You Should Wonder About
• The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. For example: Why do we drink "cow" milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!"?" —Bill Watterson ‘Calvin & Hobbes’
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
—Steven Wright
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? —George Carlin
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Marriage Daffynitions
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. —Anonymous
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. —Anonymous
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
—Anonymous
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent. —Anonymous
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. —Jim Backus
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
• A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
You’re Kiddin’, Right?
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. —Pearl Williams
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
—George Gobel
• A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
—Everett Dirksen
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
Management Material
A college senior was hired as an intern, and his first task was to go out and fetch coffee for the office staffers.
Eager to do well on his first day, he grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take the order.
The intern asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the intern sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular , two black, and two decaf."
What a Phone-y!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and added giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines."
Plane Stupid
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
No comments:
Post a Comment