Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Pundamentals
1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2. A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted "Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient."
3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of sea gulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tellyou, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers travelingwest. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to seehow the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Friday, September 19, 2008
More Funny Pages #2
Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern
by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: What grows down at the same time it is growing up?
A: A goose silly, or a silly goose.
Q: What has holes but still holds water?
A: A sponge.
Q: What flies, chirps and sings religious songs?
A: A hymningbird.
Q: Why did the blue jay get a perm?
A: Because the curly bird catches the worm.
• The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the airlines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe with no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• Long, long ago, there lived a French count that was captured and convicted of high treason. The authorities knew he had accomplices, but the count would not talk. After much frustration, they decided to torture him.
He was tortured for weeks, but he maintained to the end that he would not betray his friends or his principles. Eventually, they realized that he would not be broken and sentenced him to death.
He was taken to the guillotine, but just as the blade was about to fall he cried out "Stop, I will tell you everything." But it was too late, the blade fell and the count was dead.
The moral of this story: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Contemplations:
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Bad Rabbit Habit
A rabbit, one day, managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good, and he returned a while later completely full. "It’s fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette."
• Seems a challenged house-husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he called his wife at work. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" His wife replied: "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" To which the no-clue hubby answered back: "Indiana University!"
• Well-to-do parents have this kid that they send away to school in the winter, to camp in the summer and on holidays to visit his grandma. "Let’s face it" he told them one day, "you aren’t my parents—you’re my travel agents."
• The 535 members of Congress employ 30,000 aides and assistants—or more than 54 per member—with each congressional staff costing taxpayers $5 million annually. In FDR’s time, the typical House member had three employees.
This is the same reason you need 54 accountants to figure out your taxes each year. If we are going to computerized polling why not get rid of these reps and vote on everything that comes down the pike. I bet we could save a bundle.
A: Squash.
Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern
by it’s circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.
Q: What grows down at the same time it is growing up?
A: A goose silly, or a silly goose.
Q: What has holes but still holds water?
A: A sponge.
Q: What flies, chirps and sings religious songs?
A: A hymningbird.
Q: Why did the blue jay get a perm?
A: Because the curly bird catches the worm.
• The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the airlines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe with no paved roads, no electricity, and no indoor plumbing scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• Long, long ago, there lived a French count that was captured and convicted of high treason. The authorities knew he had accomplices, but the count would not talk. After much frustration, they decided to torture him.
He was tortured for weeks, but he maintained to the end that he would not betray his friends or his principles. Eventually, they realized that he would not be broken and sentenced him to death.
He was taken to the guillotine, but just as the blade was about to fall he cried out "Stop, I will tell you everything." But it was too late, the blade fell and the count was dead.
The moral of this story: Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
Contemplations:
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Bad Rabbit Habit
A rabbit, one day, managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass. "Hey," he called. "I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn’t resist, and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good, and he returned a while later completely full. "It’s fantastic out here in the world!" he told them. "So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here." "I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I’m dying for a cigarette."
• Seems a challenged house-husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he called his wife at work. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" His wife replied: "It depends. What does it say on your shirt?" To which the no-clue hubby answered back: "Indiana University!"
• Well-to-do parents have this kid that they send away to school in the winter, to camp in the summer and on holidays to visit his grandma. "Let’s face it" he told them one day, "you aren’t my parents—you’re my travel agents."
• The 535 members of Congress employ 30,000 aides and assistants—or more than 54 per member—with each congressional staff costing taxpayers $5 million annually. In FDR’s time, the typical House member had three employees.
This is the same reason you need 54 accountants to figure out your taxes each year. If we are going to computerized polling why not get rid of these reps and vote on everything that comes down the pike. I bet we could save a bundle.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
More Funny Pages
Punny Things Can HappenA pun is the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit;
One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that sounds the same.
Perhaps some letter may be changed
Or others slightly disarranged,
This to the meaning gives a twist,
Which much delights the humorist.
A sample now may help to show
The way a good pun ought to go:
"It isn’t the cough, that carries you off,
It’s the coffin they carry you off in."
CLUELESS IN WASHINGTON
These are from a Washington, D.C. travel agent with 30 years experienceworking with our congressmen and women. It will definitely give you pauseto wonder how anything constructive ever gets accomplished if you didn’t already wonder!
• I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that herhair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport informationthen she interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid,but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... (click).
• Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
• I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with it, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on herluggage.
• A Senator’s Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
• A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Stuff You Should Wonder About
• The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. For example: Why do we drink "cow" milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!"?" —Bill Watterson ‘Calvin & Hobbes’
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
—Steven Wright
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? —George Carlin
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Marriage Daffynitions
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. —Anonymous
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. —Anonymous
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
—Anonymous
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent. —Anonymous
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. —Jim Backus
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
• A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
You’re Kiddin’, Right?
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. —Pearl Williams
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
—George Gobel
• A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
—Everett Dirksen
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
Management Material
A college senior was hired as an intern, and his first task was to go out and fetch coffee for the office staffers.
Eager to do well on his first day, he grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take the order.
The intern asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the intern sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular , two black, and two decaf."
What a Phone-y!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and added giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines."
Plane Stupid
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
These are from a Washington, D.C. travel agent with 30 years experienceworking with our congressmen and women. It will definitely give you pauseto wonder how anything constructive ever gets accomplished if you didn’t already wonder!
• I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that herhair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a Candidate’s Staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport informationthen she interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid,but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa."
Her response ... (click).
• Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
• I got a call from a Lawmaker’s wife who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
• A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with it, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight, I think that is very rude?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT), and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on herluggage.
• A Senator’s Aide called in inquiring about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
• A Lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever!!"
• A Senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"
• The Lord’s Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Stuff You Should Wonder About
• The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. For example: Why do we drink "cow" milk? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze ‘em!"?" —Bill Watterson ‘Calvin & Hobbes’
• When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend’s dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15."
I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"
—Steven Wright
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? —George Carlin
Antidotes are what you take to prevent dotes.
Marriage Daffynitions
• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. —Anonymous
• Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. —Anonymous
• Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
—Anonymous
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent. —Anonymous
• Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. —Jim Backus
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. —Phyllis Diller
• A man is incomplete until he is married; after that, he is finished.
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
You’re Kiddin’, Right?
• You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough. —Pearl Williams
• If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.
—George Gobel
• A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.
—Everett Dirksen
• I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
• The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I’m only going to do this once.
Management Material
A college senior was hired as an intern, and his first task was to go out and fetch coffee for the office staffers.
Eager to do well on his first day, he grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop. He held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take the order.
The intern asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah, it looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the intern sighed in relief. "Then give me two regular , two black, and two decaf."
What a Phone-y!
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and added giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines."
Plane Stupid
A photographer for a prominent national news magazine was assigned to get photos of a humongous forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. His editor made the arrangements, and assured him the plane would be started and waiting for him at the airport.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot turned the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
Monday, September 8, 2008
Punting
• The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the airlines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at five a.m. The newspapers reported the incident with "the whirly bird gets the urn".
• Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...... Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
• Two Eskimos were paddling in their kayak along the Alaskan coastline. They were out there for a long time and they started to get cold. During one of their breaks they lit a fire to warm up, but tragically their kayak caught fire and they drowned. Moral of the story: you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
• There are new plans in the works to build a self-sustaining space colony. At first the people would be sent to the station, followed by vegetation and animal life. The first animal to be sent up will be the cow since it can provide milk for the babies born on the colony. The plans are to have an entire shipment solely of cattle—it will be the first herd shot around the world.
• The Dason company in North Carolina is famous for its home mixing machines. They have a slogan in their advertising which reads like this: "When in the South, y’all, be sure to come to see the famous Dason Mixin’ Line.
• Based on a true story: In Florida, a group had started a con ring that went to old-folks homes and offered trips to Ireland. After securing the down payment (usually around a thousand dollars) the con-artists would split. When the con was discovered the story ran in the local papers under the headline: Tour Allure: A lie.
• A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he says, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam, then I’m a teepee, then I’m a wigwam... It’s driving me crazy! What’s wrong with me?" "It’s very simple," the doctor replies. "You’re two tents."
• The chief of a poor American Indian tribe .. no paved roads, no electricity, no indoor plumbing .. scrimped and saved and finally was able to send his eldest son to college. The lad did well, working hard for four years and finally graduating with a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering. Arriving home after graduation, the boy was treated to a welcoming party, complete with plenty of refreshments. Shortly after he retired to sleep, the son was awakened by a call of nature. Exiting the hut, he proceeded down the road to the outhouse, only to stumble and fall because of the lack of lights. The next day, the son decided to put his education to work. He sat down, did the calculations, and prepared construction drawings for a lighting system for the outhouse, complete with lights for the path leading thereto. It was constructed and was an immediate success. This chief’s son will go down in history as the first Indian to wire a head for a reservation.
• A fellow received a mouse for his birthday and he loved it so much that he never parted with it. He took this mouse everywhere, to work, to parties, to the opera... One day, a good friend of his died and so he went to pay his respects at the funeral parlor. Naturally, he took the mouse, which was perched on his shoulder. On his way home, he suddenly realized that the mouse was gone! He retraced all his moves for the day and realized that the last place he had seen the mouse was at the funeral parlor. He raced back across town, but arrived too late. The body had been removed and was already being transported to the cemetery in the hearse. The mouse must have jumped off his shoulder onto the casket and gotten carried into the hearse along with the casket. Probably frightened, the mouse must have sought shelter in the closed casket! It was too late...the mouse was being buried alive. Filled with grief as he remembered an old adage his mother had told him time and time again as a kid...... Never lock a gift mouse in the hearse.
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
• When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?
• When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder
why you’re just sitting there looking at carpeting?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
• Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
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